Sunday, September 9, 2012

Grab, Drop and Roll

Okay, I admit it, the underwear story is pretty damn funny.  I’ve gotten numerous requests to tell it.  So, I’m going to try to do it justice.  

I have a bad habit of leaving my stripped off clothes on the floor next to my bed at night.  I justify this in the event that I might have to jump out of bed in the middle of the night to shoot a prowler or something. I envision myself throwing on my clothes while grabbing my gun...I mean I don’t want to shoot a prowler while I’m naked.  Maybe the truth is, I’m just lazy or tired or all of the above.  Anyway, I always seem to have a pile of yesterday’s clothes readily available in case of emergencies.

I guess I have to give a little bit of background in order to properly tell this story.  

During my youthful rebellious days, I moved to West Virginia, married a mountain man and became a bona fide hillbilly.  I lived in a tar paper shack and learned how to shoot my AR-15 and my Ruger Mini-14 with amazing accuracy.  I was happy for a while until I realized that I wanted more out of life than an attached outhouse.  It was especially hard in the winter months when I had to go under the shack with a blowtorch to unfreeze the pipes in order to have running water in the kitchen.  I eventually left the hillbilly life, but before I did, I left my underwear behind in the school.

It all started when the alarm did not go off in our tar paper shack.  My husband was supposed to be at a job interview that morning and I guess I was driving him.  I don’t remember all the particulars, but I went with him to the school where the interview was taking place.  Since the alarm didn’t go off, we were running really really late.  So, naturally, I jumped out of bed and threw on the jeans I had been wearing the day before.

Fast forward to the school:  We arrived at the school with seconds to spare.  As we were walking/running down the hall to the office, I felt something in my pants leg.  It was really bothering me, so I kept shaking my leg hoping that whatever it was, I could shake it loose or at least reposition it.  

Coming toward us from the other end of the hallway was a gentleman that looked like he might be the principal - he just had that air about him.  He was approaching us clearly intent on learning our business at the school.  Bob, my husband, was dressed in his suit and looked presentable.  I, on the other hand, looked disheveled and perhaps a bit unstrung due to the bothersome thing in my pants.  I gave my leg one last shake and, low and behold, the thing that was bothering me freed itself just as the principal came to a halt in front of us.  

I swear everything went into slow motion right at that very moment.  I watched in horror as yesterday’s underwear became a projectile and then hovered in the air like a parachute right in front of the principal.  I don’t know if I screamed or not.  

All I remember is taking immediate action.  

I grabbed the underwear like an NFL receiver, and pulled it to my chest as my feet went out from under me. Luckily, I avoided tackling the principal on my way down.

I landed headfirst on the floor shielding the underwear with my now numb body as if it were a bomb or hand grenade ready to explode.   I might have blacked out momentarily because some of the details of what happened next are still fuzzy.  I don’t even know if Bob or the principal had any idea what just went down.  All they knew is that I hurled myself headfirst onto the floor for no apparent reason.

 I was still hiding the evidence under my body frantically trying the figure out what to do with it before they picked me up off the floor.  So, I did the only thing I could think of - I stuffed the underwear back in my pants.  The men, clearly concerned about my mental stability, helped me to my feet.  I assured them I was fine and we made our way together to the office.  

When Bob inquired about the job interview, it just so happened that the man in the hallway was in fact the principal and the very same man he had the interview with.  It was the shortest interview of his life.  I no sooner inquired about the restroom when Bob emerged from the office looking a bit dejected.  Needless to say, he didn’t get the job.  

On the way out of the school, I felt the now familiar underwear making its way down my pants leg.  I gave my leg one big shake and, low and behold, out came the underwear.  As I looked on, my underwear flew up in the air and landed on top of a pillar right by the front of the school.  I could have alerted Bob, who was walking in front of me, to this unfortunate turn of events, but I soon thought better of it.  All I could think of was trying to explain to the principal why Bob was trying to climb the pillar in front of the school. So, I never even broke my stride.  I couldn't get out of that school fast enough.  As far as I know, the underwear might still be there today!