Thursday, January 12, 2012

Soul Drain

My New Year’s resolution is to refrain from engaging in soul draining activities.  That is, anything that does not feed my soul will be willfully ignored, avoided, replaced and otherwise eliminated from my life.  Does this apply to people as well?  Yes, it absolutely does.  I will no longer entertain the soul draining activities of others.  So, If my perpetually drunk neighbor shows up at my doorstep for another handout, I will not feel guilty for turning said neighbor away because I have offered a hand up many times.  I am vowing to eliminate all the people in my life who willfully and repeatedly hurt my soul.  
The soul drainers in my life come in many shapes and sizes.  They are the cluttered papers that sit in my bedroom collecting dust day after day, week after week, year after year until they become so much a part of the landscape that I don’t even notice them anymore.  But, I do notice them - my soul sees them and it speaks to me through my whispering dreams.  I hear my soul’s cry in the breeze and on the wings of the vultures that circle waiting to devour the next small piece of my soul.
Piece by piece I let the clutter vultures take from me the one thing that I should protect and nurture.  They steal my quiet with their white wing noise that clatters in the back of my brain - clean the clutter...clean the clutter...clean the clutter - drumming to the steady cry of my soul.
The soul drain is the empty checkbook with its empty stare as I allow my brain to worry and ponder where the next dollar will come from to pay the next soul draining bill.  The bills, the money worry, the clutter...all drain away the precious part that defines me; my soul.
Then, there is the endless rancid tide of “not good enough” wave thoughts that crash steadily into my brain... not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife, not a good enough housekeeper...the thought pollution piles up until the garbage heap dumps into my soul as the broken record of pain plays its endless mournful tune.
Where do I start to heal?  Should I start with the brain closet or the bedroom closet?  The brain closet is heaped with years of garbage.  Childhood garbage, frustration garbage, financial garbage - it’s all there rotting and festering; bleeding into my soul causing it to recoil and hide.  
The bedroom closet is a mirror image of my brain closet.  I don’t need a clutter doctor: I need a clutter surgeon to perform surgery in the bedroom closet and then continue right through the house.  
The brain closet might be a bit more challenging.  There is no brain surgeon that removes broken records - that I have to do myself.  It will take time and positive energy, but I believe that it begins with surrounding myself with peace.  In my world, peace comes from order in my surroundings.  Ordered surroundings will breathe fresh air back into my brain relieving some of the brain clutter.
This will not be an easy journey, but it is a necessary journey.  I don’t know where it will take me, but I do know that it has to be better than where I am.  I know that my soul has not been able to write because I can’t find it behind all the clutter.  If there is one thing that feeds my soul, it is writing.  I will write every day - even if it is just one sentence - so that my soul knows I have not forgotten it.   
Finally, as I heal my own soul, I will vow to no longer be a soul drain on others.  This is my New Year’s resolution: to get off the soul drain and allow my soul to embark on the soul train.  Let the journey begin.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Wings to Fly

I’ve been trying to write something profound for the new year, but nothing is coming to me.  I’ve done all the usual prewriting exercises like meditation, writing whatever comes to mind without stopping, drawing with my non-dominant hand and playing with clay to get my brain firing on all cylinders - nothing.  My brain is numb.  Or, maybe it is hibernating for the winter, or perhaps it is incubating something wonderful and magical that will hatch when I least expect it.  I just don’t know.   This is one drawing that I keep coming back to:

When I look at this drawing, I see a bird with its wings folded.  I believe that this bird is waiting for the opportunity to spread its wings and fly.  I am anxious for this to happen, but I know that it will only happen if I am patient and observant.  The moment will come and I will give this bird its wings to fly.  But, for now, I’ll rest my wings and wait.