Sunday, September 2, 2012

Funny Drought

I haven’t been able to write anything funny lately.  It’s like my funny bone has been removed.  Not even Walmart shoppers have inspired me!  I feel like my rose colored glasses have turned putrid green - like I’m in the bottom of some murky pond trying to find a shinny object that has long since molded over.  I keep looking for inspiration and I just can’t see it.

Last night, however, I went over to my friend Karen’s house and noticed that the photos on her wall were still the same.  To the casual observer, they look like any other pictures you’d find hanging on a family wall; mom and dad holding hands with their young son at the beach and two young lovers stargazing.  The only thing wrong with these pictures is that they are not Karen’s family.  The pictures hanging on the wall are the photos that came with the frame!  They’ve been there now for as long as I can remember - at least five years.  This mystery family has become as much a part of the landscape at Karen’s house as her real family.  They even refer to the photos as the California relatives.

This got me thinking about the everyday things in our lives that really are rather funny, but, try as I might, I cannot make them into a funny story.  I always inquire about Karen’s make believe California family that never seems to age.  Karen always has some glib remark about the glossy family and how they spend all their days at the beach, yet the humor in the story remains stuck in my brain. 

One of my favorite comedians, Gilda Radner as Roseanne Roseannadanna, had a way of making you laugh at the truly mundane things in life like a sweat ball on the end of your nose that won’t fall off, a toenail that turns purple, falls off and never grows back, green spinach stuck in your teeth or finding something hard in hamburger meat.  I grew up watching Gilda Radner, Lucy Ball, Carol Burnet and Phyllis Diller.  My favorite author is humorist Erma Bombeck.

So, being no match for any of these women, I decided to let them sprinkle their humor on my funny drought:

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Erma Bombeck

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. ”
Erma Bombeck

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”
Carol Burnet

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
Gilda Radner

Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to write about the time our tractor caught on fire and Katie pulled the PVC pipe off the side of the barn while running to put the fire out.  Or, maybe I’ll find the words to tell the story about wetting my pants during a particularly funny game of Apples to Apples.  Then there was the day that I dragged one of my friends across the table in a brutal game of spoons (and broke the table).  Maybe I’ll tell the story about the time that a pair of my underwear got stuck in my pants leg and...well THAT is a story!  But for now, I’ll just take Erma Bombeck’s advice:

“He who laughs.....lasts.”
Erma Bombeck